I have a bad habit of minimizing things: saying that things aren’t so bad, when they really are; deflecting a genuine compliment.
(Note: this post is not very original. you’re probably already familiar with the content. it’s just sth that was on my mind, so I thought I’d process it quickly, and write a short post about it).
Here are some interactions:
Interaction 1:
- them: how are you doing?
- me: bad! I have a stomach ache.
- them: I’m really sorry to hear that, are you doing alright?
- me: yeah, dw about it, it’s fine. it’s not so bad.
Interaction 2:
- them: how are you doing?
- me: bad. sad thing X happened.
- them: I’m sorry to hear that. How are you doing?
- me: so it goes, right?
Interaction 3:
- them: I appreciate X about you.
- me: aw, that’s sweet of you. implied: you’re being too generous / nice in giving the compliment.
Why do I respond in such ways?
- Maybe I don’t want to cause someone else discomfort. If someone else feels concerned about me, I feel an inclination to tell them “I’m alright” to discharge their responsibility.
- Maybe, it’s painful and sad to admit that things will sometimes not be ideal, and I’d rather pretend that this is just a fine state of affairs, or downplay my sadness by saying that other people face something similar.
- Maybe the downplaying is because I don’t desire pity.
- Maybe deflecting a compliment is because I worry about increasing people’s expectations of me, bc then I’ll more likely fall short in the future.
Endorsed responses
- When someone expresses concern about how I’m doing, and I’m not doing great, it’s good to accurately represent how I’m feeling. Embrace things not being ideal sometimes. Sharing the experience with others can be meaningful too.
- When someone gives you a compliment: It’s maybe good to comment on how you feel about the compliment. You might say that you appreciate them noticing, or something, or that you value their opinion (if you do).
Overall, this is just a quick reminder that life is more interesting and meaningful when you’re willing to be honest and open with people about how you’re feeling. And when you trust that people will care enough to try to understand how you’re feeling.