NVC teaches that appreciation is an opportunity to celebrate what’s alive in us. However, it’s an opportunity that we often squander.
Receiving
The two most common pitfalls in receiving appreciation are false humility and ego inflation. Ego inflation means inferring that we really are great in virtue of someone saying this about us. The main issue with this is that it gives other people control over our self worth. Instead of celebrating how blessed we are for being able to do something nice for someone, we’re just tallying up our worth. This can locally feel good, but longer term is not so great. False humility minimizes the situation, and maybe tells the other person that they should just have expected you to do the thing you did instead of feeling grateful for it.
A better way to receive gratitude is to express what’s alive in you. “I’m happy to hear this met your need for X”.
Giving
The basic template is:
- Observation: What is the specific thing that was the stimulus for your feeling of gratitude.
- Feeling: How did the thing make you feel?
- Need: What need of yours did this fulfill?
Example:
Alice: When you came to the hospital with me, I felt warm and less scared because I value having support and people caring about me. Bob: I am happy I could support you in this way.
Non example:
Alice: Thanks for coming to the hospital with me. You’re so nice! Bob: Don’t mention it.
In giving and receiving gratitude, it’s great to be specific about what the stimulus for our gratitude was, how we feel and why it was important to us. But once this is expressed, smiling might be better than more words. Using too many words to express gratitude can feel like we are trying to “pay the other person back / set the score even”. Just as with apologies, and mathematical arguments, it’s good to keep it short.